Jokes, Jokes, & More Jokes..!

Way to get rid of Blind Dates

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #11. Order a bucket of lard.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #19. Drool.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #35. Auction your date off for silverware.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #49. Accuse your date of espionage.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES #55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.